You probably weren’t expecting another installment quite so soon, but since I’ve had an abrupt disruption in my plans for the day I figured I might as well make the most of it. And then I thought “Why don’t I just review some more Speccy games instead?”

So here we are.

American 3d Pool - Zeppelin Games, 1992

Ah, pool - favoured game of people who spend far too much of their time in pubs everywhere. Many’s the time I’ve been challenged to a game of mini-Snooker by someone who’s spent most of their life doing nothing but alternately drinking and playing pool. And every time I decline, on the basis that I am absolutely terrible, having spent very little time in pubs playing pool, they take offence.

When I go to a pub, it’s to have a drink and a chat with likeminded people. It’s not, as a rule, to try to fumble around a table in an effort to not hit any innocent bystanders with a bit of wood while poking balls into the table edges. My goals and those of pool-players have just never crossed over at any point. So please, please, stop asking me to play pool when you know full well that the result is a foregone conclusion. I’m not paying 50p a go to find out that you’re really good at pool and I’m not. I’m not trying to hassle you into a game of Quake, so just go away and let me finish my beer, alright?

Oh, American 3D Pool? Well, look at it. It’s a regular 2D pool game with less balls and with a pointless, badly thought out and badly-drawn 3D view tacked on. Colour-clash all over the shop, and the balls don’t even change size as they get further away from you. It’s about as fun as having a drink with someone intermittently whining that they want to play pool.

American Football - Mind Games, 1984

In my line of reviews it’s not often that I get asked if I want instructions. Naturally, since this is a game from 1984 I don’t want any instructions at all - because if I do ask for them I’m almost certainly going to get seventeen pages of typewriter simulation with lots and lots of beeping.

Sadly that means that when it asks for a defence (’defense’, surely?) all that’s going to happen is I get beeped at and told that I’ve made an illegal play. So, a quick reset and a look at the instructions reveals that there are about a dozen different ‘plays’ for me to print out as a reference while playing. Since I don’t have a printer handy, I just remember about four of them and started the game again. There’s not much point in having a big list, since there’s no clue as to what any of them mean anyway. No diagrams or the like that people who really play American Football get to look at.

So all in all it’s a bit like an American Football management game, only without any of the numbers or anything. Or any sort of tournament options. Or doing anything except calling the plays, in fact. It’s an odd way to play a game; it might as well be a text adventure for all the difference the graphics make. It does what it does well, but… it’s not much fun.

American Football - Softstone, 1984

Sometime in the early eighties, somebody came up with the idea that it’d be really cool if computers beeped when they wanted an input. Not just once, mind you - over and over and over and over until you either press a key or smash the computer into a million tiny pieces. One day I’m going to get my hands on a time machine, and when I do the first thing I do is going to be to get a copy of every set of winning lottery numbers ever. The second thing I do is find out who the person with the bad idea was so that when I go back in time I can murder them horribly before they come up with it, in the hope of never having to hear BEEP BEEP BEEP while I’m picking a team to manage (or whatever).

See, it’s not just those little choices, like picking your team. It’s when you’re at a fairly important menu and considering what approach you’re going to take while managing your ‘football’ team, like, I don’t know, this one:

I didn’t even get to the game - there’s nothing that it could possibly do to make up for that incessant noise. No points for this game.

American Tag Team Wrestling - Zeppelin Games, 1992

One of the best books I’ve ever read is Mick Foley’s autobiography, Have a Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks. It’s the epic tale of one of the most unhinged wrestlers in its modern history and I recommend it wholeheartedly to everyone.

What I don’t recommend is this wrestling game. Regardless of what characters you pick, there are precisely two types of wrestler - you and the other guy - and regardless of what you do with the controls you’re going to get the crap beaten out of you in short order. You get knocked over and hammered while you’re on the ground, then you get up, are immediately thrown to the ground and then stomped on some more. It’s stupid and pointless.

Nice graphics, though.

Ammytris - Dream Makers Software, 1995

It’s a Tetris clone.

There’s a lot of Tetris clones out there, as I’m sure you’re aware. This… this is excellent. It’s got smooth controls, a fair speed-up from level to level, and a pleasant enough tune in the background too. In fact, it’s better than the last official Tetris game I played, Tetris DS.

There are precisely two flaws with this game - there’s no two player mode, and the ‘next block’ graphic isn’t coloured. Neither of these are particularly bad, either, so I’m quite pleased to give the first real score in absolutely ages - seven out of ten. Hurrah!

Amo del Mundo - Crom Software, 1990

Apparently this is based on a book by Jules Verne. It’s a scrolling shooter in which I can’t tell if I’m actually firing anything, or what’s dangerous and what’s not. I think I’m supposed to be grabbing bits of paper with codes on, but I’ve no idea why since everything’s in Spanish. They’re probably for a bomb or a power plant or something.

Anyway. It’s very bright and colourful, as you can see (and as you’d expect from a Spanish game). And I’ve an inkling that there’s a fairly solid game under it, too. It’s just a little confusing in places; I managed to grab a couple of code thingies by running/flying through and avoiding everything that moved.

Amoto’s Puf - SPE, 1988

I moved house at the beginning of the year. While there was no small amount of stress involved (not least the realisation that a good third of my belongings is made up of Sinclair-related hardware), it also brought some relief. You see, I used to live quite close to a man who believed himself to be the Incredible Hulk. Honestly. Nary a day would pass without him screaming at his colleagues/family members (he repaired cars right across the street from me) and declaring that either they did as they were told, or “I’ll smash!”. What first seemed to be endless entertainment soon became quite tiresome, and I grew to love the double-glazing.

The second most annoying neighbourhood noise was the sound of some wee bairn on a moped. Invariably with an L plate on, as it had been for the preceding five years or so, and always with some damage inflicted on the moped to make it as loud as possible. A fighter jet could have landed in the road and nobody would notice, because the sound of its engines would have been drowned out by the incessant whining of mopeds.

Anyway. This here’s a Spanish clone of ancient arcade machine Head On, only with mopeds rather than cars. It is not particularly interesting or fun, but not as bad as my former neighbours.

Amtrak Rail Pass - Ashley Greenup, 1989

I hate trains. Actually, that’s not entirely true - I don’t hate trains, just the system. I once spent four hours at Guildford waiting for a series of trains that didn’t exist. And I’ve no idea how long I’ve spent at Didcot Parkway (twinned with the seventh circle of hell), but it’s a long time. And don’t get me started on the cost…

So this game is, essentially, a bit like Dante’s Inferno. You get to travel the USA by train. I don’t know if you’re supposed to be going anywhere in particular or just seeing how far you get before you run out of money, or if you’re supposed to be collecting things along the way in some bizarre parody of Trans Am.

Anyway. It took me a little while to figure out the keys, so I’ll tell you what they are in case you want to try it - your options are on the left of the screen, just above the picture window that shows you where you are. 5 and 8 cycle left and right through the options, and 7 selects.

It’s an interesting concept, but I’m not sure how long I can stand pretending to wait for a train.

Well, that wasn’t all bad, I suppose. Next time it’s Amusement Park 4000 and some other games too.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Surprisingly I’ve not spent the entire first half of this year vegging out and watching The Jeremy Kyle Show. I’ve actually been learning C# and how to program the XBox 360. Here’s a video trailer of my current project (albeit from a couple of months ago, so it’s only representative of gameplay and I now have to make another one):

Popularity: 3% [?]

Yes, yes, I know. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Amaz1ng - YRS, 2008

It’s a maze. In first person.

It came in sixth place in the 1K category of the 2008 Minigame Competition, so I don’t really want to slag it off. So I’m just going to stop right here.

Amaze - Bytesize, 1983

Huh. It’s the same as Amaz1ng, only about a million times slower, with no full screen view, and no map screen.

I suppose it was twenty-five years before Amaz1ng, so I don’t really want to slag it off. I’ll just leave this one here.

A-Maze - K’Soft, 1986

So, there’s this sort of non-maze. There are holes in the walls that move, and you have to wait for them to get around the screen.

I suppose it was only 1986, so… wait, hang on. 1986 was the year of Gauntlet and Outrun. There’s no excuses for tosh like this. Ugh. Now I remember why I’ve spent the last six months playing programming on my 360 - this long, long string of terrible, terrible games.

So you play the paintbrush. Not the brightly flashing thing that I spent my entire first game trying to control, no - the dull paintbrush way over there in the corner. You have to get the paint and then colour in every square in the maze.

Now while I’ll freely admit that it would be churlish to complain that I could be playing Red Faction: Guerrilla rather than this crap, it’s less so to complain that I could be playing Gauntlet or Turbo Esprit or Quazatron or any of the other much, much better games that came out the same year (and that I won’t get to play until about 2020).

Nul points.

Amazement - Grupo de Trabajo, 1986

As gamers go, I’m pretty old. As Spectrum users go, though, I’m one of the youngsters. I didn’t get my first Speccy until ‘87, and by that time games were being produced mostly by real companies. Folks like Hewson,and Ocean, and US Gold. Professional operations that gave you a product you just bunged in the tape deck and waited for.

Apparently the cut-off for that era was the year I got my Speccy, since this game expects me to LOAD “” CODE and start the game with a RANDOMIZE USR call.

Sadly I don’t know what address the game starts at, so I can’t play it. I’m sure you can imagine exactly how disappointed I am.

Amazing! - Phipps Associates, 1982

It’s a type-in program that makes a maze. (Very, very slowly.) It’s not even a game. I feel robbed, not just by Phipps Associates, for bundling this with their Pocket Book Games compilation, but also by World of Spectrum, for claiming that this is a game when it is clearly not.

On the other hand, it’s quite a cool random maze generator and I can probably nick the code for something I’ll try to sell to 360 users, so it’s not all bad. Ahem.

The Amazing Rocketeer - John Fotou, 2007

Oh no, look at that. 2007? It’s going to be a CGC entry, and I’m going to have suffered another day full of terrible games. Well, let’s hurry up and get it out of the way, eh?

Huh. Well, that’s surprising - it’s actually quite nice to look at. Apparently I’m supposed to fly this little robot geezer around and collect some items, in some sort of brightly-coloured scrolling Jet Set Willy-alike.

Sadly, it doesn’t get any better than the graphics. It’s just too bloody hard! There’s flames all over the floor, and the ’safe’ spots are slopes that guide you right into any flames that you missed while ‘flying’! I don’t know, maybe it’s spending the last six months playing 360 games. Maybe my gaming skills have been degraded by quick-save-quick-load dumbed-down-for-the-kids consoles.

On the other hand, I also can’t get the game to restart after dying, so maybe something else is wrong. I don’t think it’s me.

So, another bunch of games out of the way, and we’re back on the path towards reviewing every Spectrum game ever. Next time I’ll be looking at all things (beginning with) American. Stay tuned!

Popularity: 3% [?]

I’ll start by mentioning the interminable scandal over MPs’ expenses, which is rapidly descending into the land of boredom. Yes, we’re all heartily fed up of these people, but there’s something faintly nauseating about patronising news presenters who are being paid nearly twice as much, asking them snide questions. It’s time to move on, people.

 Now that obligatory topic is out of the way, just a few random thoughts that occurred to me. One, it’s been a while since I’ve posted my random nonsense here, and it’s always worth seeing if any of our 3.5 readers still exist. Two, it took me seven attempts to remember my password. And three, the post title was too much to resist.

 Have you seen that Spring Watch nonsense that’s currently on in the evenings? It basically consists of otherwise-probably-sane individuals getting disproportionately excited over birds being fed and other such excitement. A typical extract involves them cutting away from the birds for some exciting breaking news:

 ”And we now go over to Geoff Featherbrain who has just spotted some badgers!”

“Yes, Fergus, it’s really exciting here. If you look closely you can just see them disappearing off the shot!”

“You mean we waited days to see them and the moment you called us, they buggered off?”

“Er, yeah. Sorry.”

 ”Hmm, ok. Well, look at these lovely chicks!”

Turning to Twitter for a minute (to fulfil the contractual obligation of the title), is it just me, or is it completely crap? I mean, yes, I know I’m completely crap (as that syntax proves.) What I’m trying to say is, can there be anything less pointless than these random updates of what you’re doing throughout the day? Ok, Facebook (of which more in a moment) has status updates, but at least there is some point to Facebook apart from constantly telling people what you’re doing. Apparently.  If anyone has a clue what Twitter is for, answers on a postcard please.

Just a final word on Facebook. It does have the odd redeeming quality, like the groups about Speccies and YS. But have you noticed how irritating and repetitive its ‘news feed’ is these days? Do I really need to know how many people are setting record scores in Bejewelled Blitz? The ‘friend’ and other suggestions are even worse. ‘Two of your friends are a fan of sleeping in late,’ it pointedly informs me, to which I respond ‘and what about the other 214?’  Do these people get up at the arse crack of dawn every day for the sheer joy of it?

In case anyone happens to be wondering where the Twits come in, you’ll be disappointed if you’re expecting a Roald Dahl feature. It was those darn MPs, y’see. You just weren’t paying attention.

Popularity: 7% [?]

“I hear Mr. T’s Jewish now.”
“Really? When did that happen?”
“Not sure. Still, rather him than me. It’s not just a matter of saying ‘I’m Jewish’, is it?”
“You reckon?”
“Well, there’s certain rituals to be performed. I understand there may be some snipping involved.”
“Ah, you’ve overlooked one thing there.”
“What’s that?”
“If you’re a rabbi and Mr. T comes up to you and says ‘I’m Jewish’, are you going to be the one to tell him that there’s some snipping involved? Are you going to be the one to break out the ceremonial scissors and tell Mr. T to get his kecks off?”
“Well… well no.”
“Exactly. No sensible rabbi would. If Mr. T says he’s Jewish, then that’s good enough for me, and it’s good enough for any rabbi.”
“Fair point. More beer?”
“Yes.”

Popularity: 22% [?]

There’s never much on telly over the festive season, is there? Just reruns of reruns of reruns and a Bond film. The Great Escape wasn’t even on this year! Still, at least there’s some entertainment to be had on the ol’ rubber wonder, eh? And what better way to find out what’s there than to read about my continued suffering?

Altered Beast - Activision, 1989

DISTRIBUTION DENIED, say Activision. Now, they might claim that it’s because of the difficulty of the licensing deal with Sega, who produced the original coin-op this is a conversion of. They might claim that it’s because they’re reserving the right to start selling the Spectrum version again. But you know what I think? I think it’s because they don’t want anyone to remember how terrible their games really are.

Now, it does look nice, I’ll give it that. But it plays like a dog. Scrolling is necessarily jerky because of the full-colour backgrounds, but it’s very slow, and also automatic. The player, meanwhile, shoots all over the screen in the fashion of a thoroughly lubricated gazelle. And like an oily antelope, he slides right into the bad guys as they drop from the sky. No, really - zombies, giant worms, Pacman’s overweight extended family - they all drop from the sky, usually onto your head, then shuffle around a bit until you kill them or they move off the screen. The only enemies to actually attack you are the wolves, who carry the power-ups you need to turn into a different monster each level. Even the end-of-level bosses don’t really do anything but sit there and half-heartedly throw empty crisp packets at you.

Distribution denied. It’s for your own good really.

Alternative World Games - Gremlin Graphics, 1987

Alternative’s a great word, ain’t it? You know it’s true. It gets tacked onto all sorts of things these days. Alternative music. Alternative lifestyle. Alternative energy. Alternative medicine. And now (or rather way back when) Alternative World Games. It’s a sort of poor man’s Olympics, with events like the (highly illegal) Sack Race and Plate Balancing. Sounds interesting, eh?

Of course, we all know what ‘alternative’ really means, don’t we? It means rubbish. And that’s what this is - Rubbish World Games. The controls don’t work, the graphics are a horrible mess, the sound is non-existent and I just wasted ten minutes I could’ve spent watching Crocodile Dundee 2. Tch.

Al Toro! - Lokosoft, 1992

Like all forms of animal cruelty, bullfighting’s a pretty repulsive thing in real life. I mean, how can you call killing an ill-equipped and ill-informed animal for entertainment a sport? Bullfighting does a little bit better than hunting foxes with dogs or shooting birds, what with the matador actually putting something at risk besides his time, but still - it’s stabbing a bull to death for the adulation of the inconsiderate.

Now, as a computer game that could be absolutely fantastic. I mean, just look at that screenshot. It looks like something really innovative and different. What it actually is, unfortunately, is Advanced Bullfighting Simulator. There is one control - stab the bull. Interesting design around an unusual concept can cover for a multitude of sins, like no sound and terrible graphics, but they can’t cover for a Crap Games Compo entry. More’s the pity, or this’d be a lot more interesting from my end…

Alunizer - Rafael Garcia, 1986

Oh no. The system font gives this one away immediately - it’s another CGC entry, isn’t it? I’m going to be stuck with horrible beeping sound, terrible controls and no graphics. I could be enjoying Mick Dundee’s reunion with his Australian compatriots, and instead I’m stuck with this…

But wait! There’s a tiny chink of light at the end of the tunnel! Rather than being a crappy BASIC game, this is actually quite a reasonable BASIC game. It’s got rather a modern design, being made up of minigames. They’re all simple and well-executed, and each is mildly entertaining. Sure, it’d be easier if I could understand the instructions (they’re in Foreignese), but the controls are easy enough to pick up. In fact, the whole thing’s really quite fun. Still, I suppose after all this crap I’ve been wading through the odds of tripping on a gem were on my side, eh?

Amaurote - Mastertronic, 1987

One of the things I’ve learned from reviewing all these games is that judging a book by its cover is a fantastic way of saving a lot of time. I mean, look at all the rubbish games I’ve told you about. Almost all of them just look terrible. You’d just need to look at the title screen to see that they’re not worth your time.

This here is an exception. I mean, it looks lovely doesn’t it? All weighty isometric graphics, and you can blow up most of the weird objects lying around. Unfortunately the controls are a load of old tosh, and half the ground only lets you move in two directions rather than four, so all that pretty artwork is a complete waste of time. Tch.

So, that’s another pile of old tosh out of the way. Next up, it’s all things amazing, beginning with Amaz1ng…

Popularity: 23% [?]