“I hear Mr. T’s Jewish now.”
“Really? When did that happen?”
“Not sure. Still, rather him than me. It’s not just a matter of saying ‘I’m Jewish’, is it?”
“You reckon?”
“Well, there’s certain rituals to be performed. I understand there may be some snipping involved.”
“Ah, you’ve overlooked one thing there.”
“What’s that?”
“If you’re a rabbi and Mr. T comes up to you and says ‘I’m Jewish’, are you going to be the one to tell him that there’s some snipping involved? Are you going to be the one to break out the ceremonial scissors and tell Mr. T to get his kecks off?”
“Well… well no.”
“Exactly. No sensible rabbi would. If Mr. T says he’s Jewish, then that’s good enough for me, and it’s good enough for any rabbi.”
“Fair point. More beer?”
“Yes.”

Popularity: 36% [?]

There’s never much on telly over the festive season, is there? Just reruns of reruns of reruns and a Bond film. The Great Escape wasn’t even on this year! Still, at least there’s some entertainment to be had on the ol’ rubber wonder, eh? And what better way to find out what’s there than to read about my continued suffering?

Altered Beast - Activision, 1989

DISTRIBUTION DENIED, say Activision. Now, they might claim that it’s because of the difficulty of the licensing deal with Sega, who produced the original coin-op this is a conversion of. They might claim that it’s because they’re reserving the right to start selling the Spectrum version again. But you know what I think? I think it’s because they don’t want anyone to remember how terrible their games really are.

Now, it does look nice, I’ll give it that. But it plays like a dog. Scrolling is necessarily jerky because of the full-colour backgrounds, but it’s very slow, and also automatic. The player, meanwhile, shoots all over the screen in the fashion of a thoroughly lubricated gazelle. And like an oily antelope, he slides right into the bad guys as they drop from the sky. No, really - zombies, giant worms, Pacman’s overweight extended family - they all drop from the sky, usually onto your head, then shuffle around a bit until you kill them or they move off the screen. The only enemies to actually attack you are the wolves, who carry the power-ups you need to turn into a different monster each level. Even the end-of-level bosses don’t really do anything but sit there and half-heartedly throw empty crisp packets at you.

Distribution denied. It’s for your own good really.

Alternative World Games - Gremlin Graphics, 1987

Alternative’s a great word, ain’t it? You know it’s true. It gets tacked onto all sorts of things these days. Alternative music. Alternative lifestyle. Alternative energy. Alternative medicine. And now (or rather way back when) Alternative World Games. It’s a sort of poor man’s Olympics, with events like the (highly illegal) Sack Race and Plate Balancing. Sounds interesting, eh?

Of course, we all know what ‘alternative’ really means, don’t we? It means rubbish. And that’s what this is - Rubbish World Games. The controls don’t work, the graphics are a horrible mess, the sound is non-existent and I just wasted ten minutes I could’ve spent watching Crocodile Dundee 2. Tch.

Al Toro! - Lokosoft, 1992

Like all forms of animal cruelty, bullfighting’s a pretty repulsive thing in real life. I mean, how can you call killing an ill-equipped and ill-informed animal for entertainment a sport? Bullfighting does a little bit better than hunting foxes with dogs or shooting birds, what with the matador actually putting something at risk besides his time, but still - it’s stabbing a bull to death for the adulation of the inconsiderate.

Now, as a computer game that could be absolutely fantastic. I mean, just look at that screenshot. It looks like something really innovative and different. What it actually is, unfortunately, is Advanced Bullfighting Simulator. There is one control - stab the bull. Interesting design around an unusual concept can cover for a multitude of sins, like no sound and terrible graphics, but they can’t cover for a Crap Games Compo entry. More’s the pity, or this’d be a lot more interesting from my end…

Alunizer - Rafael Garcia, 1986

Oh no. The system font gives this one away immediately - it’s another CGC entry, isn’t it? I’m going to be stuck with horrible beeping sound, terrible controls and no graphics. I could be enjoying Mick Dundee’s reunion with his Australian compatriots, and instead I’m stuck with this…

But wait! There’s a tiny chink of light at the end of the tunnel! Rather than being a crappy BASIC game, this is actually quite a reasonable BASIC game. It’s got rather a modern design, being made up of minigames. They’re all simple and well-executed, and each is mildly entertaining. Sure, it’d be easier if I could understand the instructions (they’re in Foreignese), but the controls are easy enough to pick up. In fact, the whole thing’s really quite fun. Still, I suppose after all this crap I’ve been wading through the odds of tripping on a gem were on my side, eh?

Amaurote - Mastertronic, 1987

One of the things I’ve learned from reviewing all these games is that judging a book by its cover is a fantastic way of saving a lot of time. I mean, look at all the rubbish games I’ve told you about. Almost all of them just look terrible. You’d just need to look at the title screen to see that they’re not worth your time.

This here is an exception. I mean, it looks lovely doesn’t it? All weighty isometric graphics, and you can blow up most of the weird objects lying around. Unfortunately the controls are a load of old tosh, and half the ground only lets you move in two directions rather than four, so all that pretty artwork is a complete waste of time. Tch.

So, that’s another pile of old tosh out of the way. Next up, it’s all things amazing, beginning with Amaz1ng…

Popularity: 37% [?]

Following an extended bout of insomnia/real-world enforced sleep deprivation, I’ve just had a nice comfortable twelve hour sleep. Naturally, my subconscious couldn’t let such an event go undisturbed by bizarre visions of dystopian near-futures.

1) Star Trekking.

So, for some reason I’m on a vaguely Star Trek spaceship. Only it’s a little more utilitarian than they are on the TV show - the bridge is not only huge, but is connected to the rest of the ship by ramps and staircases rather than a lift. I have a bit of a wander around, discovering a nearby medical treatment room that’s full of the sick and dying and a weapons replicator, which I have a good play only to discover that the more powerful phasers are rather heavy. On leaving the replicator room, I also find that one of the doors I’ve left open has allowed a bunch of Half Life-esque aliens to enter and wreak havoc. (Oops.) I’ve also stuck with a standard phaser, which turns out to be a bit rubbish. I then spend five minutes running around trying to lock the aliens in one room so that I’ve got time to go and replicate something useful, like an AK47, only to find that most of those Star Trek automatic doors don’t lock.

In hindsight I should’ve just shot the control panels.

2) An Eighties Extravaganza

First things first, I’m Burt Reynolds (and his cowboy hat).

Anybody seen V? The aliens from that invade. A huge mob of people decide to flee the city I’m in at night, crossing train tracks and roads. Huge numbers of people are killed by a massive truck that suddenly ploughs through some hedges and across the road they’re fleeing down, then backs up to finish them off. It’s all looking a bit like a Holocaust documentary, so I decide to head back and stop some woman with a pram from getting any further. Only it turns out that she thinks the guy in the eighteen wheeler is there to meet her. I give up, steal a car, and head off down the train tracks.

Soon after, I use my Burt Reynolds trucker awesomeness to get a job driving an eighteen wheeler to another town. Apparently this other town has been mostly spared from the invasion, due to its awkward location. I have to drive my truck over a mountain. The road starts out merely hair-raising - very narrow, winding along and up a mountain range. By the end the road is banked, looping, and sharing space with train tracks. I can only assume that rather than a train, it’s a rollercoaster.

Anyway. I finally arrive at the town to find no alien presence at all. The guy who I’m delivering to tells me that there are some resistance dudes holed up in some mountain forest nearby, and maybe I should go visit them. (I suppose he was convinced I wanted to help the resistance by my cowboy hat, or perhaps by being Burt Reynolds.) So I gear up a little first, taking a CB radio and a gun, then head off into the forest.

It doesn’t take long to find the resistance. Unfortunately it doesn’t take long for me to discover that there’s a traitor in their midst, and the aliens arrive almost immediately afterwards and a firefight breaks out. The lead alien, Diana, who’s managed to survive Michael Ironside in another resistance cell, is quite surprised when I cut off her arms with an axe, and then cave her stupid alien skull in. I then cover a resistance retreat further up into the mountains, until we finally hit the edge of the map, which turns out to also be the wall of my bedroom, and we’re on this mountain only I can see my carpet miles below, and none of this is making any sense and I wake up.

My first waking thought was to check if I was still wearing my hat.

Popularity: 33% [?]

Superstition’s a pretty stupid thing, I’m sure most of you will agree. I’m happy to walk under ladders, cross the paths of black cats and let them cross mine. I’ve never thrown any salt anywhere (apart from the little sachets they give you in Miss Milly’s) and the only time I knock on wood is when I hit my head on my desk while fiddling around with cables underneath it. But you know what? When it comes to reviewing ancient and mostly terrible games, thirteen seems like a bad omen.

Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 42% [?]

So, the Yanks finally elected somebody who’s not a deranged pseudo-Bible basher. Hurrah, eh? Well, I’m not going to talk about that today. (The mental pygmy’s still in power for another month anyway.) What I’m going to talk about, just for a tiny little bit, is UK politics. (Oh no! The entire world.)

Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 36% [?]

The MTV Europe Music Awards are coming up soon. Why not go and vote for the Best Act Ever, Mr Rick Astley?

Popularity: 27% [?]