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And Now Those Headlines Again…

I don’t really read much news these days. When the papers are full of lies and the BBC is threatened with legal action for telling the truth, there’s not many sources for information on the outside world (at least, there aren’t if you’re not interested in what Britney Spears is up to). Luckily about ten years ago I was briefly taught how to assess the reliability of information sources (History GCSE – a course that really should be mandatory, frankly), so for the benefit of everybody here’s the important bits of news to start your week…

Pointless Fuss In The Liberal Democrat Party

The old geezer who was called in a while back as caretaker for the yellow dudes in the British political system finally quit, citing the failure of young people, modern music, the rubbish on television and the buses these days as contributing factors to his departure. A small mob of nobodies has started slagging each other off in a desperate bid to take no power whatsoever.

Missing Child

There’s still some fuss being made over a girl who went missing in Portugal months and months ago. Nobody cares about any of the kids who’ve gone missing since then, perhaps because it’s much more fun to be a journalist getting paid to go to Portugal and muddy the waters to fill more column inches than to be a journalist getting paid to cover the news.

Serial Killer’s Retirement Interrupted

Police are trashing an east coast house in an attempt to discover if any more teenage girls have been buried in the brickwork. This generation’s Fred West has already been charged with one murder; bets are already being placed on whether or not he’ll actually make it to trial or, like so many before him, be found a-swingin’ one fine winter’s morn.

In the Shadow of Colossus

Over the last fourteen years some folks at the National Museum of Computing in Bletchley Park have been rebuilding the WW2 code-cracking computer, Colossus. Of course, there was only one way to make sure it was complete, and that was to test it. So, the Heinz Nixdorf Museum in Paderborn busted out one of their WW2 cipher machines and let Colossus take its best shot. The full run-down is here, and I’ll be keeping my eyes on e-bay for a ‘L@@K! R@RE!’ issue two Colossus.

Dan Brown Can’t Write

And since US scriptwriters can’t either, thanks to a strike that appears to have hit the country harder than a hijacked plane, production of the movie prequel to The Da Vinci Code has been temporarily halted. President Bush, a fan of Mr Brown’s simple, superficial ‘work’ is expected to make a speech on Tuesday, offering a stern ultimatum to Hollywood scriptwriters – they’re either with him, or they’re with the terrorists.

And Finally…

Italian police have confiscated a toilet from the Bolzano Museum of Modern Art. The offending article played the Italian national anthem whenever the flush was pulled.

And you thought British police wasted their time!